Lucy Mary

Weight, I've always struggled with it. With Cystic Fibrosis, weight has always been a hot topic with the dietitian at my clinic. All my life, weight gain has always been the key to staying well. As my pancreas doesn't produce sufficient enzymes to digest all the nutrients and fats in the foods I eat, I not only need to take tablets called Creon to help digest food but also eat a high-calorie diet to help increase my weight. As a kid, this was never an issue. All the McDonald's and chip shop teas I could want! 

Even in my early twenties, this high-calorie diet was never a problem. But I don't know, these days it's becoming a real growing problem. People may read this and think "What have you got to moan about?! You get to eat all the good stuff all of the time!". Yeah, it does sound great on paper, but in reality, it's not fun for me anymore. 

Since starting Kaftrio, a miracle drug for the majority of people with CF, my weight has become a growing issue. I'm looking in the mirror and feeling very dissatisfied with how I look. I kind of feel hypocritical saying all this though. I'm all for championing women of all sizes and being proud of their bodies regardless. Why can't I do the same for myself? Over the last 2 years, I have gained a little confidence in posting photos on Instagram with my midriff on show or in my bra. But even then, there are about 70 odd takes on my Canon camera before I feel reasonably happy with THE perfect photo. 

Social media, I feel, has had a part to play in terms of how I look at myself. The whole weight and social media stigma can be very damaging to our well-being and have a psychological effect. It may not just be you, but your friends, family or even your favourite content creator may feel this way about their weight and body image. Then you see those diet-style profiles that are being promoted on our feeds. Those profiles promoting diet pills, fad diets etc really boil my piss. It completely sends out the wrong message to young people who feel pressured to look a certain way.

I know full well that losing weight or dieting could be detrimental to my health. But I can't shake off the feeling that the extra podge I've gained needs to go. I will talk things through with my CF team next time I see them and hopefully come up with a plan to appease both parties. One thing I will not do is go on one of those protein shake diets - they're a big fat no for me and I would never jeopardise my health by trying those. 

When I've told friends about how I feel I need to lose weight, they turn to me and say "You don't need to lose weight!". Why can't I believe them? Is it because I've brainwashed myself into believing that I do? I know that my friends mean well, don't get me wrong! 

I hope I can safely say that we have all experienced a time, however long, when we've gone through a period of hating our bodies due to weight gain, or even weight loss. Currently, this is what I'm going through right now. I'm not going to sit here and write that this is a phase and that it'll just pass. It's going to take work from myself to allow myself to love my body and be happy with how it looks. Being happy with my body is a process which will take time. It's time that I am more than happy to take so that I can love my body for what it is. I want to restart championing loving our bodies for how they look. Before I do that though, I need to learn to love my own first. 

(You can also DM me on any of my social media channels if you need or want to talk in more depth privately)