Lifestyle & Fashion Blogger

16 June 2020

A Letter To CF

Dear CF,



I'm not sure if that's how I should start this letter.



It's not like I'm writing to Sandra who lives in Australia (disclaimer - just a hypothetical Sandra, I don't happen to know anyone called Sandra) I'm writing to a disease, it's weird as it's not like you can write back to me.





Where do I begin? You have been a part of my life since I was a foetus. A little while after I was born, you gave my parents so many questions to answer. For example, why I was drinking so much milk and not putting on any weight. Surely drinking nine bottles of milk a night was going to add a bit of chub on me?! I wish you could have given them a heads up to reveal what was really wrong with me. But you didn't, well, how can you, you're completely invisible. You do all your damage and play fun and games on the inside. Something which my parents did not expect to happen to their newborn and only daughter. You derailed their lives after the sweat test, you just had to make my sweat bloody salty didn't you?! You changed their worlds forever, not just theirs, my family's too. You gave them a daughter, a granddaughter, a niece and a cousin who may not live past eighteen years old, how very deceiving and evil of you. And rude.



It was only when I was four years old that I discovered I was different from the other kids in the classroom. Taking Creon before I ate anything while my friends didn't have to was a massive giveaway. You had me puzzled for a little while, I thought everyone had to do the same as I did. All of a sudden, I felt like an alien. Though thankfully, my classmates were understanding and never asked me the dodgy question "What are those things you're putting in your mouth?!". That would have been an awkward moment. They just accepted me for who I was. We still played 'House' on the yard at lunchtime.



I cannot begin to fathom why you chose my body to home in and chose my life to destruct. Did you think my lungs would be a good home for that disgusting, sticky phlegm? Did my pancreas do something so wrong for you to make it stop working? Did you feel like me and my body needed to be punished in some way? Well, you only have the answers, it's a shame you can't tell me over a cuppa.



I believe wholeheartedly in the phrase - "You were given this life because you're strong enough to live it". Maybe you thought that too. Maybe you thought that I was strong and brave enough to battle you everyday. Maybe you thought I could cope with all the countless hospital appointments, the vast enormities of medication, the painful pricks of needles of all varieties, the fighting for my breathe, the limitless amounts of sticky phlegm being coughed up from my weak lungs, the tiredness and nausea from IV antibiotics, being constantly worried of what my future will bring and managing you on a daily basis.



I wish that you would give me a break. Allow me a day off from the medication regime, a day off from the lacklustre physiotherapy, a day off from coughing up phlegm into a pot and just being worried about what you have in store for me next. Allow me to feel what it's like to live normally. That's it though isn't it - I can only wish for that. You and I can't make that happen.



One victory I do have over you is that I defied you and the doctors from all those years ago and I've lived past my eighteenth birthday. I'm 27 now and I've never felt better. Because of you, I've grown an inner strength which I never thought I had within me, I've stood up to you numerous times and I don't want to let you beat me. Ever.



Ok, I know a day will come when you will decide that my lungs need to retire, you'll make me struggle to breathe, you'll make me lose weight even though I'm eating KFC's like there's no tomorrow, you'll give me a multitude of problems which I won't be able to manage.



I'm not looking forward to the day of when I'm wondering if there will be a tomorrow or not. I'm not ready for that day yet. I can't face it yet. Even though that day draws ever closer, I know there's things I still want to do and I need time to do it. I hope you can give me that time. Please.



I'm sorry if I'm coming across as a moany cow, but you needed to be told. I hope you read this and take to heart of how you've treated me over the years. I hope you reflect on your misgivings and bad behaviour towards myself and so many others with Cystic Fibrosis.



Not only have you given me this horrible illness, you've given other wonderful people this god awful disease and I've lost friends because of you too. It's not fair. It's not right. Yep, I'm going for the guilt trip here.



Ok, let's be fair here. You have allowed me to talk and meet some wonderful and inspirational people online through Twitter, Facebook and Instagram. You did make sure that I didn't feel alone in this. So I kind of have to thank you for that. But you're still a b*****d. I'm sorry if you are taken aback by that, but let's be frank, I'm not the only person who thinks this.



Let's end off this letter. Do your worst. I'll be waiting, I'll fight you with every little fibre of strength you've already given me. I always said I will never let you define me, I certainly won't let you beat me yet. Remember, you gave me this life because I was strong enough to live it.



Yours Sincerely (or faithfully, I always get them mixed up)



Lucy

28 comments:

  1. Oh my God Lucy, this made me tear up. What a beautifully written post. Your attitude and outlook is incredible and SO admirable, considering what you're faced with. Something that SO MANY of us have no idea about and couldn't even comprehend. You're doing amazingly and I bet your CF did NOT expect your fighting spirit when it took up residence!

    Jenny
    http://www.jennyinneverland.com

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    1. Aww Jenny thank you! I won't let it beat me! x

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  2. Lucy, this was an amazing post and so honestly written! I can't even begin to imagine how tough it must be to live with such an awful condition but you are doing so incredibly well and your strength and fighting spirit is amazing. Thank you for sharing such an honest and raw post ❤ Lots of love to you x
    Amy | sassycatlady.com

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    1. Thank you Amy! This really means so much x

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  3. This made me emotional! Beautifully written, honest and open!

    I honestly think you’re amazing, I can’t imagine how hard it must be to live with this each day and you seem to do it with such kick ass determination.

    I think you’re incredibly strong, CF should be quaking in its boots taking you on x x

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    1. Thank you Claire! I'm determined to not let it beat me! x

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  4. Love your honesty, in this is so inspiring to read! My friend's daughter has CF, and she's constantly feels like she's in a battle and hates that she's different. I'm definitely going to show her this post and hope it gives her the same boost of spirit it gave me reading it. Beautifully written!

    Anika | chaptersofmay.com

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    1. Thank you Anika! I hope your friend's daughter is doing ok, that feeling of feeling different is something I've experienced, especially growing up in my teens, but tell her she will outgrow those feelings and if she talks to others with CF online, she may not feel so different and it may really help x

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  5. This was so emotional to read Lucy! It's written so well, and I love that you are showing such a positive and fighting spirit <3 I cannot imagine what it's like to live with CF, you are so inspiring and brave. I love that way of thinking too 'you gave me this life because you thought I was strong enough to live it.' Great post Lucy, you're amazing!

    Chloe xx
    www.chloechats.com

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    1. Thank you Chloe! That means so much to me! xx

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  6. Frank, fearless and fiercely written. You have such strength and such positivity. Thank you for sharing this with the world. ❤

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  7. You're amazing, I hope you know that. I'm sure that's one of those things that people say and you don't know how to take it because you're just doing what you have to do to live your life, but I'm sure there are plenty of us out here that wouldn't cope half as well. Your attitude is always incredible, even reading this piece and how emotive it is I somehow imagined you stood up straight, clear and strong reading it. I'm sorry every day is such a battle, and I really hope you get all the time you deserve to achieve the whole world - you certainly deserve it x

    Sophie
    www.glowsteady.co.uk

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    1. Thank you Sophie, that really means so much! x

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  8. Oh this made me tear up, I love your honesty! I cannot even begin to imagine what it must be like to live with CF, but you're strength and positivity is so inspiring. You're amazing, sending all my love! x

    Evie x | www.eviejayne.co.uk

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    1. Thank you Evie, that's so kind of you to say so, I hope you're doing ok! x

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  9. This a beautifully worded and inspiring post! You have achieved so much and I can’t even begin to imagine what you have been through. But you are amazing and wonderful! Keep fighting my love xx

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  10. Lucy,
    This is so beautifully written, you've brought tears to my eyes. It is so incredibly inspiring that you can pick out positive things that CF has given you, especially when it has given you and your family so much pain. Keep Thriving angel! All of my love, Casey xx www.casestreetx.com

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    1. Aww Casey thank you! I'm sorry to have made you emotional! x

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  11. This really caught my throat. I teared up on several occasions. You are such a strong and inspiring young woman! You should be so, so proud of yourself.

    x

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  12. This is such a beautifully written post and so honest - thanks for sharing Lucy :-)
    Sarah x

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  13. Ah very inspiring and helpful, interesting to reasd :)

    Allie of
    www.allienyc.com

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