Why It's Ok To Not Want Children

Stranger - "So, when are you going to have children then?"
Me - "Umm..."


This is a topic I have never touched on before on my blog - children. This can be a delicate subject for some, especially those who dream of having children of their own. So this post may not be for some women/men. 


I started writing this post quite a while ago, it has been sat in my drafts for weeks. I was so undecided on whether to publish it or not. There was that dread of offending people or people looking at me differently. However, very recently, one of my favourite creators (ok, my favourite) Victoria from InTheFrow discussed the topic of having children on one of her latest vlogs. She spoke so openly and honestly about her thoughts on whether she could see herself having children in the future. Victoria was honest enough to say that she may not see herself being a mum in the future. 

Why It's Ok To Not Want Children

First things first, I love children. My friends have beautiful children, as do my cousins. I like being the cool aunty! I used to work in primary schools for a living and I enjoyed it so much, hearing children's wild stories from home, teaching them new things every day and learning about their favourite things to eat. It made the job a lot easier and more fulfilling. 


So, if that's the case, why don't I want children? Well, there are a few reasons. Some I won't state here. The main reason is that I just don't see myself being a mother to a baby, then child, then a teenager and then finally fully grown adult. I can't even envisage what I would look like pregnant or what I would look like holding a baby in my arms. It's never been one of my life goals or dream to have a baby. 


I know it's some women's dream to become a mother and have children of their own, but this is not a dream of mine. I love watching my friends who are Mum's adore their children, making memories with them and seeing their children look so happy when their Mum or Dad give them a hug and kiss. 

Why It's Ok To Not Want Children

Growing up with CF, I never imagined myself having a proper future. As CF is a progressive illness, I never wanted children as I couldn't face the thought of not being able to see them grow up. But since I started Kaftrio (a life-saving drug), I've been really surprised to realise that my thoughts about having children haven't changed. I don't know why, but I thought I would feel incredibly broody and want to have a baby/babies. 


Then again, I met one of my closest friends baby boy (born during lockdown) for the first time the other day and I got all broody, feeling like I wanted a baby of my own. It's like a spirit level, the bubble swings in both directions. But, eventually, it swings more in the direction of not wanting any children of my own.


The thing is, I could be perceived as being very selfish for wanting to achieve other life goals/dreams before wanting to be a mother. However, I'm very fortunate though that I have a Mum who isn't bothered whether she becomes a grandparent or not, in her own words, she has said "As long as I have you in my life, that's all that matters". To have an understanding Mum like that in my life feels like the pressure is off me and I don't have to have children or rush to have any. I know some women may not be so lucky. Some women may feel the pressure of their parents/grandparents to have children, which is wrong. 

Why It's Ok To Not Want Children

People, strangers, or loved ones, are going to ask you the infamous question - "So, when are you going to have kids" here's the thing guys - this isn't 1950. Meeting someone, getting married, having a house full of children and being a housewife isn't the norm so much in today's society. People need to remember that asking the above question can be quite insensitive, especially if you don't know a woman's particular life/health situation. I know some people mean well and don't mean to be tactless, but it does need to be taken into consideration before asking about when someone is going to start having babies. 


Some will tell me that I'll feel different when I marry the man of my dreams and I'll end up changing my mind. That may be true, but I can't be sure of that until the time comes and the subject of children arises. I wouldn't want to be pressured into having children if my heart isn't in it. 


I hate to think that there is societal pressure for women to have babies. It shouldn't be seen as compulsory for women to have children to make their lives complete. To be honest, I would rather be the best aunty to my friend's kids (I'm an only child) than be a badass mum. 

Why It's Ok To Not Want Children

My aim with this post is to diminish the stigma of others thinking you're odd, strange, weird, inhuman or selfish for making the decision of not wanting children. I do not need a baby to validate my existence. Having children isn't the only thing that is going to make me a successful woman. My career, my kindness, my honesty etc will make me successful - as it will for you.  


The main point of this post is that women should not be made to feel guilty or pressured to have children just because society thinks that you should. It's your life, it's your personal choice. You do not need to live your life pleasing others. We all have different paths that we follow, if children aren't on your path, that's ok. It could mean other greater things are ahead of you. 


I would love to hear your thoughts on this topic. Let me know in the comments below!
66 comments
  1. I totally agree with this post. I do not want or even feel like I need to, have children. Thankfully people don't ask me much anymore which is a relief! 😂😌 Xo

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    1. That's good that you don't have to answer to people anymore Sarah! x

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  2. I hate the stigma around this subject, because it's no one else's business what you choose to do with your body and your life. Your mum sounds lovely, what a sweet thing for her to say xx

    Hannah | https://luxuryblush.co.uk/

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    1. Exactly Hannah, it's nobody else's business and we shouldn't have to explain ourselves to anybody. My mum is honestly the best! xx

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  3. Thank you so much for speaking on behalf of me!! I don't think not wanting children is odd and it doesn't make me any less of a woman. More people should learn that having children is not for everyone, we have different goals, we want different things. Right? So thank you so much for this post! I 100% agree with you xx

    lenne | lennezulkiflly.com

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    1. It doesn't make you any less of a woman at all for not wanting children! Like you said, I wish people would learn and realise that not wanting children isn't for everyone! xx

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  4. Ahhhh thank you so much for writing this, it's so important! There's such a stigma and expectation of women to have children when some don't want to and that's okay x

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    1. I'd love to be able to banish this stigma Della, it's important that we do to stop women feeling so pressured to have children! x

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  5. I think it is okay for anyone to want to have or not want to have children. I didn’t know whether I wanted a baby or not but now I do and I can’t wait to have a baby when the time comes. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and help other women realise it is okay to not want a baby.

    Lauren - bournemouthgirl

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  6. I hate when people ask when I am going to have kids having lost a child in the past I honestly feel like it is just so insensitive. Why should I explain my life choices to someone else. I am still undecided despite being pregnant in the past. Sometimes I think I would love to have a house full of children other times I am happy with my life as it is and can't imagine it changing. I love how open you have been in this post it is so important and something I feel that needs to be talked about more.

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    1. I'm so sorry that you lost a child in the past, like you, I'm happy with my life the way it is and I can't imagine it changing!

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  7. Thank you for being so honest Lucy! I've known my entire life that I would like children, however I know it isn't the same for all. I think it is really insensitive to ask, some people can't have them, might have lost a baby or simply don't want to. I think it's 100% okay to not want kids. Studying Environmental Science has shown me that not wanting kids is kind of a good thing due to overpopulation and I almost feel guilty that I have wanted a large family.

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    1. It's lovely to hear that you would like children Caroline! I do think people don't think things through when the topic of children arises, they need to be more tactful! Don't feel guilty for wanting a large family, that's what is in your heart lovely and that shouldn't change!

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  8. I love this post and agree so much. I occasionally get broody moments too, but overall I can’t imagine myself with kids. Some may think it’s selfish, but it the same can be said the other way - I would feel selfish bringing life into the world in the state it’s in, let alone without a certain level of financial security, commitment and the right environment. We never fully know another’s situation and I really wish this was a more widely understood thing. Thank you so much for sharing x

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    1. Thinking of it like that, with the state the world is in, it's all the more reason why I'm not so keen on bringing children into this world! x

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  9. Hi Lucy,

    I completely agree with you. It's almost as if some people are given a manual at school that says; finish school, get a job, get a partner, ... have kids. It doesn't have to be like that - its a choice, not an obligation.

    Frankly, with the human race growing at the rate it is there won't be enough natural resources left to feed the population soon. Not adding to the problem seems like a sensible step to me.

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    1. I agree, school doesn't teach us about achieving the things we actually want to achieve and not to just follow the norm!
      The state the world is in right now, I'm not sure if I'd be too keen to bring children into it!

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  10. I've definitely found it's a subject that more are willing to talk about which is good, breaks the stigma!

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    1. Absolutely Anika, it's a subject that does need to be talked about more and it is starting to be talked about more thankfully!

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  11. i'm so glad you decided to publish this & share your thoughts on this subject. i'm someone who wants children but respects people who do not. i've always had the opinion of wanting to wait & go in my pace. having children is a big deal & shouldn't be taken lightly. you are raising a human being. and so, as cute as it is, deciding to have a baby and a child is serious. you have to weigh all the options. and i think talking about not wanting them at all needs to be talked about more because there are so many people out there who think the same as you! and some can't have them at all for one reason or another. i've always disliked the question of "when are you having kids?" because you don't know their reasons or their full story.

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    1. I agree lovely, children is a huge life changing thing and it's a decision that shouldn't be taken lightly! I hate the question "When are you having kids?" - there's just no need!

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  12. I don't think it's anyone's business whether a woman wants children or not. I didn't want kids for years but then, suddenly, I did and we were lucky enough to have Flora, who is the light of my life. I certainly don't think anyone is selfish for not wanting kids though, far from it. You need a licence to have a dog, and sometimes I think it's a pity that it's not a prerequisite for having children as well! x

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    1. I agree Lisa, it's nobody's business at all!
      That's a beautiful thing to say about Flora, I'm sure she's the light of your life!
      OMG I couldn't agree more with that last sentence! x

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  13. Seriously love the way you write Lucy, it's so open and honest and refreshing.

    A bit like everyday sexism in a way, the assumption that women are going to get into their 20's/30's and want children just because it's the natural process is seriously outdated.

    Our eldest daughter is still only 11, but we will be encouraging her to go out and see as much of the world as she wants when she can and to experience new things, if kids are part of the agenda after that then great - can't understand why society is still forcing the issue!

    Such an incredible writer with a brilliant point to make!

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    1. Aww thank you Thomas!
      It's such an outdated thing to ask women when they are going to have children.
      I love that you're going to encourage your daughter to travel the world and achieve the things she wants to achieve!

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  14. Amen to this post! I agree wholeheartedly. I have met and married the man of my dreams, but we both still aren't too keen on having children. Plus, I have severe endometriosis and so my ability to even have them is questionable. That's why I absolutely HATE being asked that question. We just celebrated our 5th anniversary Friday and it seems like that question pops up more and more now. I wish people would realize it is very insensitive and honestly none of their business!

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    1. It's such a horrible question to be asked and I wish people would think before asking it! Like you said, it's nobody's business!

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  15. Aw, I love this post so much! Thank you for being so honest, and I feel the same way. I don't want children, people are always shocked when I tell them but it's important to break the stigma. Thanks for sharing x

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    1. I know, people look at your like you got two heads when you tell them you don't want children! x

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  16. I loved reading this, Lucy! I'm a little old fashioned and I want the 1950's dream haha but I respect everyone who wants other things! Everyone needs to mind their own business for sure! I do admit sometimes I slip out joking with my friends when they'll be having children. I have to correct the habit haha xx

    Lynn | https://www.lynnmumbingmejia.com

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    1. I agree lovely, everyone needs to mind their own business with this sort of thing! xx

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  17. I 100% agree with you! I don't want kids either. My older sister and I both don't want any kids but when my younger sister had her first child a few years ago all my extended family (including my mom who already knows that we didn't want children) would tell us "so, when are you going to have one?" I always just say I'm not and that and then start listing the many reasons why I don't want any until they eventually get annoyed. haha ♥

    www.mooeyandfriends.com

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    1. I can imagine all the questions that your extended family were throwing at you and your older sister when your youngest sister had a baby! I love that you explain your reasons until they get annoyed!

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  18. Oh my gosh this is exactly the post I needed to read! I haven't really been brave enough to share my thoughts on the subject but I'm gearing up to write a post on it because I think it's so important to highlight that it's absolutely okay to not want kids! Thank you for sharing and making me feel a little less alone with it xx

    Amy | sassycatlady.com

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    1. I can't wait to read your post on this subject Amy! I agree lovely, it's important to highlight this subject and make women who feel the same feel less alone xx

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  19. Thanks for sharing! I shared a similar post a few years ago about not wanting children and it was received with positive respond. There are a lot of women like myself who made said decision early. I'm an aunt and Godmother to a lot of children. I love them, but I do not want any of my own.
    https://www.comfycozyup.com

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    1. I'm glad to hear that you had a positive response when you wrote about this topic!

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  20. This is such an important topic and its great that you are able to be open and honest with your audience. Personally, I don't believe it should ever be bought up in a conversation unless you choose to. It infuriates me that as soon as you hit your mid twenties, the questions of when your going to start a family start rolling in.

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    1. Aww Kelly I agree, it's so frustrating when people assume that by your mid twenties you should be a mother, which is wrong!

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  21. Hello Lucy! I love this post. Whenever people start to ask others when they are going to have kids, I start to wonder why they feel entitled to the happenings in someone else's life. Whether or not anyone wants to have kids is a personal decision and I can't stress that enough. Everyone is entitled to their own life decisions and choices. Some people want kids and others don't. Either way, everyone has different thoughts and opinions when it comes to things like this and everyone should be left alone to do what makes them happy. When are you having a baby? When are you having a baby. They keep asking. Are they gonna carry the baby for me. Like it's annoying. Thank you for sharing this. I found this post very honest and raw and I loved reading it!

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    1. Ruth I agree, what makes people feel entitled to ask when you're going to have children?! Like you said, we are entitled to make and choose our own life choices, nobody else should be involved in that!

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  22. I found this post so interesting to read! In the past few years I've been reading people's thoughts about not having children, as I don't want them either. And like you I do love children, I'm a primary school teacher. But there's so much associated with child-rearing that I simply don't want in my life!
    Hopefully society will become more understanding towards people like us as it's being brought up more and more!

    Julia x
    Last Post: How To Create a Beautiful Wall Art Gallery At Home + Discount Code For Amazing Prints!

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    1. Being a primary school teacher is tough (from working in schools for years, I know full well how hard it is!) and I totally get that there's so much association to child-rearing! x

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  23. Such an amazing topic, thank you for sharing! I agree with you on so many points. One day I might want to have children- I certainly have time- but it's hard to imagine my life with children, especially babies. I'm thinking of maybe adopting or something similar, but I also might never want kids. I also agree it's very insensitive and dated to ask women when they plan to have children. There's so many women who can't have children who want them, and plus it's really none of people's businesses to ask. Again, thank you for sharing x

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    1. Adoption is such a lovely thing to do, that's what I may end up doing as there's so many children in social care that need a loving home. I agree lovely, it's so outdated and insensitive to ask women when they want children! x

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  24. I really loved reading this, I can really understand and sympathise despite having children myself. Also think it's great that so many are taking control of this and it's being spoken about so much more, normalising it (like it should be!) For so many xx

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    1. Ah thank you Alice, I like that more women are talking about this more now and I just hope it can be normalised within society now! xx

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  25. Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!

    Danielle | thereluctantblogger.co.uk

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  26. Where I come from this is a bit controversial.
    Thanks for sharing.
    http://www.melodyjacob.com/

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  27. Loved reading this! Although it's strange that you almost have to say you like kids before you say you don't want any of your own. That's again societal pressures I think! It's a shame that saying you don't want children isn't greeted with or judged with the same response as saying you do want children is. Obviously I have children, I've always wanted children, but I've never wanted it to be my sole purpose. I feel like that can be judged quite a bit too. Or when we had Amelia it wasn't long after we started getting questions like 'oh she'd love a little brother or sister wouldn't she, when are you having another' *Insert massive eye roll here* - It's annoying how it's something we're judged so easily on. Thank you for sharing your views. I think more people need to talk about it to open up the conversation and normalise how normal is it to not want to have children.

    Claire.X

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    1. Yeah it kind of is Claire, it's like I need to justify that I like kids even though I don't want to have any myself!
      I hate that people just asked you when is Amelia going to get a little brother/sister! I think I'd have done a massive eye roll! x

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  28. This is so important. My husband and I want to have children but we always get asked why we will. It can be so painful!

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    1. It most be so annoying being asked about when you and your husband are going to have children!

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  29. Me and my friends were actually talking about this yesterday and I think it’s so wrong that there’s such a stigma around women having children. There’s such a pressure and I can imagine it’s a awful feeling for those who don’t want kids. I think you’ve done a brilliant job of bringing awareness to this and making those who don’t want kids, feel comfortable! Thank you so much for sharing lovely Xo

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    1. I hate that there's a stigma attached around it too Elle, I wish there wasn't!
      Thank you so much for reading lovely! x

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  30. This was such an interesting read Lucy and definitely a topic that needs to be discussed more. I really dislike when people just assume that you want children. Personally, I definitely would love a family however, it took me a long time to decide this xxx

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    1. I hate when people assume I want children too Victoria, it does my head in! xxx

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  31. I am very happy, that you decided to post your thoughts and feelings! It's a brave thing and I am so glad, that you did it! You wrote everything so good! We are personalities and we don't need to have children to proove something to someone! It's actually a very personal and intime choice that changes life forever. I love your post! ♥ ♥ ♥
    www.mysmalltravelguide.com

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    1. Aww thank you Sandra! I agree, having children is a huge decision as it does change your life forever!

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  32. Well written! Totally don 't understand how people are still asking women that question of if/when they want children. It just isn't a given anymore, and you can have a totally happy and fulfilled life whichever path you choose to go down.

    Kathleen / www.madeinthe1990s.com

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    1. Exactly Kathleen, you can just have as good fulfilled life without children!

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  33. So so glad you published this! Not only to end the stigma around it, but also to show people that is none of their business what you want or not in life. Not everyone has to feel realised with having kids and a family. Can't agree more with what you said x

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  34. I'd love to have children one day but sometimes I wonder if I want them for me or because society has told me that as you grow up, you get married and have children. I've had comments about how my career will be affected but I don't want to put up my career for children. It's such a strange thing so thank you for this post and sharing your thoughts :) x

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