Is it because I'll feel awful for saying no? Because I'm scared of the repercussions afterwards? Or because I don't want to let anybody down? I'd say it's a combination of all three. Funnily enough, I chatted about this subject with my work bestie the other day. We're both people pleasers and struggle to say no when we should. I don't think there's anything wrong with being a people pleaser, but you need to know your limits and personal boundaries. I wouldn't say yes to anyone who told me to jump off a cliff, so why can't I say no to someone who needs to swap a shift in work when I already have plans?
As children, we say no to a lot of things.
"No, I'm not going to bed"
"No, I don't want to put my toys away"
"No, I'm not eating that, I don't like it"
So now I'm an adult, why am I struggling to say no?
Perhaps it's the way we're brought up. Maybe it's a confidence thing. Perhaps I like to prioritise other people's needs before my own, who knows. However, I want to learn to be more self-assertive and say no when I know I need to. It's the best thing I can do to help my mental health and have more power over myself.
After all, we all have our own limits. I don't want to be a pushover and let people walk all over me. It goes against everything I stand for. I tell my family and friends to say no when they should, so I'm basically calling myself a hypocrite right there. I can't even practice what I preach. How bad is that?
It's not rude to say no, as long as it's done in a graceful manner and if the other person is trying to be assertive, you be assertive back. As I said, I have my limits and I'm not going to back down from saying no. It's not that I and you are being selfish for saying no, but we can't say yes to everything that is asked of us.
For example, when I have a CF clinic appointment, if I said no every time the doctors told me I had to go on a new medication, then I wouldn't be alive today. Obviously, in that sort of situation, I say yes as they know they are doing right by me.
Ok, how can I say no politely?
There are different answers to saying no in any given situation. Here are some examples for you:
1) I'd love to help, but I can't.
2) This sounds like a lovely idea, but unfortunately, I can't right now.
3) I appreciate you asking me, but I can't.
4) I wish I could, but I'm not available this time.
5) I am not comfortable with that.
6) I know someone who may be able to help you.
7) I can't commit to that right now.
8) I have made other arrangements, but I appreciate you asking me.
9) Thank you for thinking of me, but it's not possible right now.
10) Maybe another time.
11) I'm sorry, I can't do that/make it.
12) I can't take on any more responsibilities right now.
13) It's not a good time for me right now.
14) I'm sorry, I'm busy.
There are so many other ways to say no, but I hope these give you some inspo or ways to be able to say no.
I'm learning the art of saying no and it is quite freeing when I say no to things these days. At first, it felt like an uncomfortable experience saying no, especially as I felt I had to explain myself. I shouldn't have to explain myself, I have my reasons for saying no and others should respect that and not ask questions. Or worse still, make you feel guilty/use emotional blackmail.
I hope this post has inspired you to start saying no to situations that make you feel uncomfortable or when you don't want to do something.
Love this Lucy! I think there's many reasons why some people have a hard time saying no. Perhaps it's our generation? Who knows! But learning to say no (in a polite way!) can be a game-changer!
ReplyDeleteThank you Jenny!
DeleteMaybe it is because of our generation - who knows?!
It's definitely important to say no in the right way, you never want to come across as rude!
Great post! Saying "no" is so important and it get easier with time. I've also learned that "no" doesn't require an explanation, it can just be! Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteIt does get easier with time! That is true, you don't need to explain yourself when you say no x
DeleteI used to be so bad at saying no and would agree to loads I didn't want to do! Luckily I've got better at it now although I still feel guilty saying no!
ReplyDeleteAmy x
callmeamy.co.uk
I used to struggle saying no, but like you, since I've started saying it I find people respect my boundaries much more now. Also, "No, thank you" is a complete sentence, we don't need to justify why :) x
ReplyDeletePeople do respect you and your boundaries when you say no. I couldn't agree more, "no thank you" is all you need to say and you shouldn't have to explain afterwards x
DeleteI used to have a fear of saying no too but then I read the Sarah Knight books and that really started to help.
ReplyDeleteSarah Knight books are really good at helping to combat saying yes to everything and saying no more often
DeleteThis is so interesting! I struggle saying no, but I think for me it's because I prioritise other people before myself. I'm much better at saying no to people outside of my family circle.
ReplyDeleteClaire.X
www.clairemac.co.uk
I'm the same Claire, I am better at saying no to people outside my family and friends circle! x
DeleteI think one of the most important things I've ever learnt is that No is a complete sentence all on it's own
ReplyDeleteI love that Alice!
DeleteThis is so important in adult life, especially as many think they can just treat you like a doormat x
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely Gemma, we should never let people treat us like doormats! x
DeleteI’m a people pleaser too but over the past few years, especially since my chronic pain/illness started, I’ve had to learn how to say no to people more. I still have the guilty feeling a lot of the time after saying no though which is annoying lol x
ReplyDeleteastoldbykirsty.co.uk
It's definitely hard to fight off the guilty feeling when saying no Kirsty! x
DeleteThere is sometimes a guilt factor when saying no. And then one feels bad. It is certainly needed to practice and say it but also politely. Liked the responses you gave. Xx
ReplyDeleteIda A. Blogger
https://www.lifestyleprism.com/
There's always that feeling of guilt when saying no, but as long as you say no politely, that's all that matters! xx
DeleteThis definitely isn't something I struggle with although if I can help I will. Although you can go too far down the opposite way if you're not careful.
ReplyDeleteThis is a really helpful blog post because you have shared some great options. When I was growing up and in my early 20s, I would say yes to everything and want to make everyone happy. But I am learning that my well-being and what I want to do is important. Thank you for sharing Lucy!
ReplyDeleteLauren - bournemouthgirl.com
There's always that want of wanting to make everyone happy, I was the same as you in my early 20's! Well-being should always come first!
DeleteI find this blog post interesting. I'm the total opposite of you. No comes easy to me. It's my way of protecting myself. Saying yes means, I'm comfortable or unbothered by the situation- well, most of the time. I agree that how you say no matters.
ReplyDeletehttps://www.comfycozyup.com
It's interesting that saying no comes easy to you, I wish I could be more like you!
DeleteGreat post! Can be so hard to say no, but sometimes it's needed x
ReplyDeleteI agree Lea, it can be hard to say no! x
DeleteIt can be hard saying no, and when I say no, I feel like I have to give a reason to justify my no, but I can just say no in a polite way and leave it that.
ReplyDeleteIt's difficult to not want to justify your reasons for saying no, but just saying no in itself should be enough!
Delete