How Parental Estrangement Has Shaped Me

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Wow, this is one of the most personal posts I've written in a hell of a long time. Something I haven't talked about much. Something I haven't seen talked about online as such by others. I kind of wanted to write this post in the vain hope that maybe just one person could relate. Maybe someone who has experienced it. Someone who has gone through the pain and even frustration of it. Please, if you have tragically lost a parent yourself and if this is a trigger for you, I completely implore you not to read on. I wouldn't want anyone upset! But yes, parental estrangement is the subject of this post today.

The parental estrangement in my life refers to my father. 

Someone who has not been in my life for a long time now. Someone who was once a part of my life. Well, for the first 15 years. Then one day and no goodbye later, he was gone. I haven't seen him since. He made contact with me on the phone near the end of last year - 13 years after I'd last seen him. You can imagine that was a heart-dropping moment when I heard his voice at the end of the phone. I spoke to him for 20 minutes, and after we ended the call, I still had no idea or indication as to what he wanted.

You'll read that and think "Perhaps he just missed you". I'm not being funny, if he did, he'd have tried a lot harder. He could have tried contacting me on social media. I haven't even moved house. I'm still here. Or maybe you're thinking that I maybe should have been the one to make the first move. Hell would have to freeze over before I'd do something like that. I have no interest in a reconciliation with my father. The only reason I would want to speak to him again is to ask questions I have. The biggest one is -

"Why?"

I can't list all of the questions I have for him, this post would be neverending otherwise. I want to keep you interested in reading on. 

I'm not going to dwell on the past too much. The whole saga of my parent's separation and divorce is too much of a long one and it brings back bad memories from my teens. We'll leave it at that. 

In terms of who stopped contacting who first, I think it was a joint decision from both of us. Not really discussed or put in writing, but it just kind of happened. He left the house without saying goodbye, and that was that. Three weeks after he left, I got my cat Charlie and he was the best male replacement I and my Mam could have asked for. 

When I think back on the time of my life (the last 14 years) my father hasn't been in my life, I'm kind of happy that he hasn't been a part of it. My father was and maybe still is a controlling and manipulative man. Nobody needs that kind of toxicity and negativity in their life. Especially from their own flesh and blood. 

I do genuinely believe that I wouldn't be where I am today if my Dad was still in my life. 

And I mean that in a good way. I love the woman I have become. My Mam has been my rock all my life and she is all I need. I can't deny that I did have a strong bond and love for my Dad when I was a child. He used to take me swimming, he took me to Florida to swim with dolphins and on the odd occasion helped me with my homework. It's sad to say that the toxicity that happened during my parent's divorce has completely overshadowed the positivity with him in my childhood years. 

As to how parental estrangement has shaped me today, I think it allowed me to realise that life isn't a bed of roses. It has made me stronger. It has made me more independent. It's allowed me to discover who I am and (mostly) love who I am today. I just know that my Dad would have been a bad influence on my life. As I said, there's no room in my life (or anyone else's) life for toxicity. Obviously, parental estrangement doesn't happen in many people's lives. Parental estrangement is not nice. I never expected it to happen in mine. But it has. I've accepted it and it made my relationship with my Mam as solid as ever. 

Maybe that night when my father decided to call me, he wanted to make a reconnection. I can't and don't want to go down that road of having him in my life again. He caused too much hurt for my Mam and that is something I cannot forgive him for. And to be honest - I've done just fine without him. I got a very loving support network around me, I don't have any plans to make him a part of it. Our estrangement was for the best in my opinion. I've lived a happy life so far and achieved some good things when he hasn't been around. They say that blood is thicker than water - it's great when you have a good relationship, but when you don't, that motto can't and shouldn't come into it. 

Whether he will contact me ever again is another matter. But all I'll say to him if he ever does is - why?

As I said near the beginning, I hope this post has not been too upsetting or triggering for you. I wanted to write this post to say it's ok if you don't speak to any parent or any other family member. You have your reasons and everyone who knows you should respect that. We all have morals and boundaries, and if someone oversteps them, then they're not worth it. Focus all of your energy on the people who matter. The people you love. The ones who are there for you through all of your ups and downs.

I'd love to know your thoughts on this post, let me know below!

*The beautiful peonies in this post were sent to me from Haute Florist. All views are my own. For more information, please read my disclaimer. Thank you for your support!