"What was I going to be ridiculed for that day?"
"Who was I going to be sat by in my English lesson?"
"I know they'll be talking about me again"
These thoughts and more kept circulating in my head, more than usual. My breathing was quickening and I was shaking, I felt like I couldn't move. I thought I was just having a wobble, a moment if you will. However, these little "wobbles" become more frequent, and I'm not talking about my thighs. Little did I realise I was suffering from anxiety attacks.
Back then, mental health was not even whispered about in the media, the online world didn't seem to have much of an influence on us back then as it does now. I think if a person was known to have mental health issues, they would be laughed or called a wimp or a psycho. Anxiety was never seen as a big issue amongst society and it was never really mentioned.
Nowadays, people seem a lot more comfortable talking about their mental health issues, although it can be difficult for some to talk about it openly - like it was for me. It was only recently that I finally decided to speak out, in the vain hope that I could possibly help others to also talk about their anxiety or other mental health problems.
Well, with me being me, I couldn't just write a blog post about it and let that be the end of it - I made a video about it with BBC Sesh.
BBC Sesh approached me again in January about making another video. After a bit of brainstorming with Holly (who works at BBC Wales) , we decided that the video could have a real impact on people with anxiety and talking about it from my personal perspective could help reach out to those who struggle with it.
I recorded the video, it got posted on all forms of social media I could think of and waited for the response of those close to me. Here's the link to the video for those who haven't seen it yet (I had to shoot the video again in my bedroom as something went wrong with the edit when I first recorded it) -
You'll get a better idea how my anxiety started when you watch the video my lovelies.
Yep, I was nervous about their reaction purely for one reason - I never told ANYONE about my battle with anxiety. I know, an EastEnders moment, right?! I actually muttered 'DOOF, DOOF, DOOF' whilst writing that last part!
People, including my Mam, have asked me why I haven't said anything before, but I never wanted to be a burden to anyone. I'm somebody who doesn't like to be the centre of attention, I like to keep myself to myself (most of the time).
It has done me the world of good to share this battle with you, it's kind of therapeutic and it has made me see that I'm not alone in this. I kind of wish I had shared this during Mental Health Awareness Week last week, but me being me decided to post about this instead, which was to do with mental health so I kind of fulfilled my target of posting something to raise awareness for mental health.
If you suffer with anxiety and are looking to speak to someone, here are some numbers to contact if you need to talk -
Anxiety UK - 03444 775 774 (Monday-Friday 9:30am - 5:30pm)
Mind - 0300 123 3393 (Monday-Friday 9:00am - 6:00pm)
No Panic - 0844 967 4848 (Daily, 10am - 10pm)
CALM - 0800 58 58 58 (daily - 5pm - midnight)
Men's Health Forum - www.menshealthforum.com
My DM's are always open if anyone feels they need to talk and get things off their chest.
Lucy
I used to be very ashamed of my mental health at home because I thought being ill meant I wasn't "christian enough" but at school...I think I was quite open about seeing the school counsellor. I was bullied relentlessly but then in quiet corners people that used to bully me would come and ask questions of if the counsellor could help with this issue or how to go about getting an appointment.
ReplyDeleteIt wasn't until after I came out of a psych ward into college that someone told me I shouldn't tell people about my mental health issues, or that I had been inpatient because then people wouldn't want to get to know me or be my friend. After that I got more anxious about openly talking about it.
https://thatautisticfitchick.com
This is such a sad story lovely, I can't believe someone told you that you shouldn't tell anyone about your mental health issues, I can see why it made you stop telling people about your mental health issues, I hope you still don't feel that way now, I hope this post can help you find the courage to tell people lovely x
DeleteOne of the things I love about modern social media is the fact that it's opened up the discussion of mental health. I noticed quite a few times when I was in school that I really didn't want to go to school, and it was beyond the typical "I just wanna sleep and play video games instead" way of thinking; but more about being stressed about every little thing that could happen that day, especially since I was bullied in school as well. I also had some pretty mean and unhelpful teachers as well (mostly in middle school, I legitimately have nightmares about one of my 6th grade teachers still). And a lot of the anxiety from being bullied in school carried over into adulthood; and a lot of the things that trigger my panic attacks come from my own overthinking.
ReplyDeleteBlogging and being able to talk about it on social media really has helped me a lot of with my anxiety though. I actually have yet to tell my family about my anxiety; but I'm actually anxious about telling them about it... Because I have the "get over it" type of parents. But I think it may be necessary to at least try to tell them, and try to find a way to get them to understand it; and so they could maybe understand why I do certain things.
Thank you for sharing your story! Your story could really help someone out... Sometimes just knowing why it's happening is helpful.
Aww lovely, to have teacher's like that is terrible, you should be able to go to teacher's when you need support, blogging has definitely helped me being able to talk about mental health, as it has for you, it's so sad that you can't go to your parents about this, only tell them when you feel ready to Katherine x
DeleteI started blogging for the sole purpose of sharing my mental health journey. It's so important to talk about our experiences because as soon as we do, we realise that we're not as alone as we think we are and that in reality, we are surrounded by people just like us. Thank you for sharing your story x
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you could relate lovely x
DeleteYou're so strong for sharing your story Lucy! I can relate to wanting to keep things to myself - I don't want to be a burden or feel like the center of attention, and I had a constant fear that I'd be looked down upon or judged as different just cause others didn't suffer from the same thing (or maybe even they were pretending). What a cool video! That is a cool experience to have �� thanks for sharing this lovely! xx
ReplyDeleteGeraldine | https://geraldinetalks.com
Thank you so much Geraldine, it means so much! I’m exactly the same, I don’t want to be judged or be seen as weak because of my anxiety, the video was great to film, it’s a good way to show to people that they’re not alone xx
DeleteIt's great that mental health is spoken about more and is seen as less 'taboo' Thanks for sharing your story, fingers crossed it helps someone somewhere who is experiencing the same!
ReplyDeleteAimsy xoxo
https://www.aimsysantics.co.uk
I love that it isn't such a taboo subject anymore Aimsy, I hope it can help someone too! xx
DeleteSuch a lovely post. It's great to see another person sharing their story. Well done!
ReplyDeleteThank you Ciara!
DeleteOh darling, I can relate so much! Thank you for being so open and sharing this blog post, I'm sending you all of the love and positive vibes that I can.
ReplyDeleteWith love, Alisha Valerie x | www.alishavalerie.com
Aww thank you Alisha! x
DeleteAs someone who really suffers with anxiety I adore this post.
ReplyDeleteYou're so brave to come forward and showcase to the world that you will not let anxiety be the best of you!
Thank you for sharing your story and showcase to the world that not being okay is okay.
Luke | www.lukeheywoodstyle.co.uk
Thank you Luke, I won’t let it get the best of me! xx
DeleteThank you for sharing this, it will definitely help so many people! Anxiety is awful,I’m so sorry you have to suffer with it.
ReplyDeleteThank you Ellen, I hope this post can help others!
DeleteThank you so much for sharing your story! This is how we make a positive difference and help others out there feel like they are not alone; we must continue to share our stories. �� And what a cool opportunity for you to be able to share your story with BBC Sesh! I'm so proud of you!
ReplyDeleteThank you Anna! That means the world to me! x
DeleteI completely agree that mental health and anxiety just weren't talked about back then. I remember watch Peter Andre on his reality show (that's definitely a throwback!) He was talking about the panic attacks he had and I suddenly felt a bit lighter when I realised somebody else was going through the same thing as me. Its important to speak out so that nobody feels alone.
ReplyDelete